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The Best Worst Holiday Gifts: Forever Lazy
Dec 13th
12 Days Till Christmas
With thanks to my friend Jill Smolinski, today I present Forever Lazy, an adult fleece onesie for those who are ready to move on from the Snuggie to something just a little less dignified. It’s a bit of a challenge to find unintended humor from something that touts “zippered hatches in front and back, for great escapes when duty calls,” because surely the manufacturers know they are being funny, right? Right?
Fellow Americans, consider this: as a nation of immigrants, our ancestors left everything behind to come to a strange and sometimes hostile world. Why? Because they hoped to give their children and grandchildren a better life. So, yeah — they’d be psyched to know that we’ve turned into a nation of 24-hour jammie wearers. Thanks for the better life, guys!!!
More Best Worst Holiday Gifts:
A signed book makes a great holiday gift. Click here for free, personalized bookplates.
The Best Gifts for People You Don’t Like: A Pig
Dec 8th
18 Days Till Christmas
Every couple of years, my husband and I get so disgusted with the commercialism of Christmas that we threaten to give everyone a goat. No, not an a real goat — at least to the gift recipient — but a donation of a goat in their name through Heifer International, which does amazing work building communities in developing nations. From their website:
With gifts of livestock and training, we help families improve their nutrition and generate income in sustainable ways. We refer to the animals as “living loans” because in exchange for their livestock and training, families agree to give one of its animal’s offspring to another family in need. It’s called Passing on the Gift – a cornerstone of our mission that creates an ever-expanding network of hope and peace.
Cool, huh? Well, maybe not to a kid who was hoping for a Wii, but for a business associate drowning in Harry & David pears — you can do good and look good at the same time. (So what if your business associate thinks you’re a liberal fruitcake. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.)
Heifer doesn’t stop at goats. They have sheep, llamas, rabbits, heifers (of course) — even honeybees. They also have pigs.
A friend who relies on Heifer for all of her holiday gift giving confessed that she saves the pigs for, well, the pigs. In a perfect world, no one would give gifts to people they don’t like, but business is business (or so people tell me), and necessary gestures are necessary gestures. So how do you do good and look good while leaving someone with the creepy suspicion that they’ve been dissed? You got it, Babe.
More Best Worst Holiday Gifts:
A signed book makes a great holiday gift. Click here for free, personalized bookplates.
The Best Worst Holiday Gifts: The Zapi Toothbrush Sanitizer
Dec 5th
21 Days Till Christmas
Reader, I was feeling discouraged. I perused the Frontgate catalog: no ridiculous gifts. I checked out L.L. Bean: nothing non-essential for a self-sufficient, dog-loving, fashion-averse New Englander (none of which I am — but a girl can dream).
I’d just about given up when I just finished reading a back issue of the New York Times Sunday Magazine, and bingo! I fell across an ad for a Violight Zapi Toothbrush Sanitizer.
What? You don’t own a toothbrush sanitizer???? Oh. My. God. I can’t believe you’ve gone all these years without the ninjas. No, wait: I can’t believe you’ve survived with all those nasty dirty ickies on your toothbrush. You should be dead by now.
Here’s the ad copy from the Times:
A Spa For Your Toothbrush. Give the gift of health this holiday season. Violight’s Zapi Toothbrush Sanitzers keep your toothbrush germ free. UV light eliminates 99% of strep, staph, e.coli, salmonella, listeria, and even H1N1.
Wait — woah. H1N1? Presumably, if you’ve got swine flu on your toothbrush, it’s because . . . you’ve got swine flu. When did toothbrushes become communal property? Unless you’ve got a full-body sanitizer, zapping your toothbrush with UV rays won’t accomplish much. As for the other stuff, here’s my advice: don’t store your toothbrush in the toilet.
You’re welcome.
I applaud personal hygiene. And I’m all over the Purell thing. What’s more, having contracted the chicken pox at the age of 28, when I not only didn’t have children, I didn’t even know any children, I appreciate that supermarkets supply antibiotic wipes so you don’t pick up stray viruses from the carts. But unless you’ve got some recurring oral infections, sanitizing your toothbrush seems a little silly.
Also, what kind of a gift is this? “The family couldn’t help noticing your breath issues (though we’ve tried). Here’s to a sweet smelling 2012!”
Then again, while I have neither the time nor the inclination to validate Violight’s claims (hey, I’m a novelist, not a journalist), others have given it a big thumbs up. According to the Violight website, esteemed medical professionals including Oprah and — wait for it – Rachel Ray!!!! have endorsed this product. So you can make the call for yourself.
As for me, if I’m looking for a way to keep my toothbrush clean — or at least cleanish — I’ll opt for something like this:
More Best Worst Holiday Gifts:
A signed book makes a great holiday gift. Click here for free, personalized bookplates.
Lame Costume Ideas for the Truly Desperate
Oct 29th
If you are searching for costume ideas on the Saturday before Halloween — a.k.a. The Biggest Party Night of the Year — you need to accept that your costume will be, if not lame, then . . . never mind. Your costume is going to be lame. But going to a costume party in street clothes would be like wearing a sweater to a nudist camp, so here are some ideas to keep your from embarrassing yourself.
The one way to turn a less-than-original idea into a “Wow!” costume is by thinking through ever detail, like these people did. But you don’t have time for that.
Cowboy and saloon girl
Cowboy is the default costume for men who don’t like to dress up. If you’ve got denim or white overalls, you can expand into farmer or painter territory — but then, if you’re an overall-owning guy, you’ve probably got the dressing-up thing under control. As for the saloon girl, isn’t it cool how my friend reconstructed a thrift shop dress?? You so don’t have time for that. But if you have a moderately skanky-yet-pouffy dress, fishnet stockings, and a feather for your hair, you can throw something together. If nothing else, your costume will be a conversation piece.
“What in god’s name are you supposed to be?”
“A saloon girl. I got the idea from the Internet.”
“Awesome.”
Biker and Naughty Schoolgirl
Leather vest or coat. Tattoo “sleeves” from a Halloween store (or real ones if you’re so inclined — but then this won’t look like much of a costume). Bandanna. Earring (real or fake).
For the schoolgirl (that’s me, by the way; I was younger then): Plaid skirt. White shirt (that you don’t mind having wine spilled on). Vest or tie (I should have had them). Knee socks. Black bra that shows through the white shirt. And — this is key — a tramp stamp, fake or real (see above) that you expose half way through the party when you tie up your little white shirt.
Pirate
Pirate costumes were big, big, big the year “The Pirates of the Caribbean” came out. You’re not going to pull off Jack Sparrow; don’t even try. But with a bandanna on your head, a parrot on your shoulder, a vest, a plastic sword . . . that’ll do, pig. (If you didn’t get that movie reference — no offense intended; move on.)
Vampire
I am not including this picture of the coolest vampire costume ever to make you feel bad about showing up at a party in a black cape and fangs. Okay, maybe I am.
Spooky
I don’t do spooky. But these people did and they creeped me the hell out. One advantage of going spooky is that there are no rules: face paint, fake blood, weird masks, weird hair, weird clothes . . . you can wear anything as long as it’s creepy. The other advantage, if you want, is anonymity. I re-met the second of these spookies at a barbecue six months after this Halloween party, and I had no idea who they were.
More Last Minute Ideas:
Mime: Striped shirt. White face paint. Easy. Bonus: you don’t have to make small talk.
Flasher: Trench coat.
Columbo: Flasher with hat and cigarette.
John Belushi: Toga
More Costume Ideas:
The Best Halloween Costumes that You Never Thought Of
Halloween Costumes: Rockers and Pop Stars
Halloween Costumes: Television Shows
Halloween Costumes: In the News
Song of the Week: “Werewolves of London”
Oct 10th
Want to win a signed book
or a $50 Barnes & Noble gift card?
Enter my Baby Name Contest.
Normally I start planning for Halloween sometime in late August, but here we are, a third of the way through October, and I haven’t even bought a pumpkin. This book release thing is really messing with my schedule. On the bright side, I’ve already got fifty dollars worth of candy (the big bars) because I forgot to “buy out” of my kids’ soccer team fundraiser. Go me!
If the real me is dropping the pumpkin (lame, I know), the virtual me says, Let’s get the party started! Which happens to be a go-to song on my Halloween playlist — but is not the song of the week. Throughout October, check back for costume ideas, autumn food faves and Halloween party suggestions — starting with this Warren Zevon classic, “Werewolves of London.”
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