Holidays
The Best Gifts for People You Don’t Like: Wine Hourglasses
Dec 17th
I don’t really like to make fun of something from the Uncommon Goods catalog because it supports independent artists, but . . . I will.
First, though, let me say that Uncommon Goods has some really cool, unique, reasonably priced stuff. Like . . . recycled animal accessories! Which aren’t, as the name implies, made from recycled animals (ew) but from from “yarn spun from the leftover materials from apparel and upholstery factories that would have been discarded.” Which doesn’t sound like recycling to me, but whatever. They’re cute! (Also, apparently sold out, but there’s always next year.)
They also have whimsical items like Gummy Bear Lights . . .
. . . and unique jewelry like a Nest Egg necklace that would be perfect for someone who loves birds, who’s about to have a baby, or maybe even for someone just wrote an egg-themed novel. Hey, it could happen.
Finally, for the passionate defenders of the Nosy (which, forgive me, but I think I still think is stupid), they have a wooden eyeglass holder.
But that’s not the best worst gift Uncommon Goods offers. Oh no, if you’ve got to buy something for someone you don’t like, the wine hourglass wins, hands down. From the catalog:
The Sands of Wine
Drink in the moment with these captivating wine glasses, designed with a working hourglass that celebrates the beauty of time spent toasting food, wine and friendship. Flip a glass to spark its timer–and the table conversation–over vibrant streams of sand swishing and crashing for ten minutes a side.
“But wait!” some of you say (hopefully to yourselves). “They’re kind of cool looking!” And they are, sort of. If you like that kind of thing. Or maybe you say, “What a fun conversation piece!” Or: “It’s like a classy drinking game — you’ve got ten minutes to finish your wine before the hourglass runs out.”
Exactly! You flip the hourglass to “spark its timer,” then flip it back so you can pour the wine. You finish the wine in under ten minutes (go you!) and . . . why yes, thanks, I’d love another glass or Merlot. But then — whoops! You forgot to reset the hourglass. So you flip the glass back over, but instead of sparking the timer, you launch the wine over yourself, the couch, the carpet, and your best friend’s boyfriend whom you’ve never really liked.
So: you might not want to put these on your Christmas gift. But if your best friend is looking for ideas for her boyfriend? You know just the thing.
More Best Worst Holiday Gifts
A signed book makes a great holiday gift. Click here for free, personalized bookplates.
The Best Worst Holiday Presents: Nosy
Dec 3rd
22 days till Christmas
Guess what I’m getting everyone for Christmas this year??
I have no idea. And I should probably start working on that. But as I browse through the piles of catalogs that cram my mailbox, I’m stuck by how many things I won’t be purchasing for my nearest and dearest. A lot of the stuff being hawked is merely unnecessary. And that’s no fun. But some of it? Is so absurd, silly, and/or tacky that it deserves special attention. And so, for the next few weeks, I’ll be plunging into the no-buy zone. Starting with . . . Nosy.
I really like the idea of The Container Store. Instead of selling regular old stuff, they sell stuff to hold your stuff. Awesome. Chronically disorganized, I gravitate toward any product line that promises (if disingenuously), so compensate for my personal failings.
However. Does anyone really need a small silver alien with a large nose to hold glasses? Really? Someone at the Container Store thinks so. From the website:
If you’ve ever taken off your glasses only to misplace them moments later, Nosy is for you! Use him to hold your reading glasses or sunglasses – he’s always happy to lend a “nose”. Glasses are kept elevated and protected from scratches. This is a must for your bespectacled loved ones this holiday season!
First: how do we know Nosy is a he?
Second: “A must for your bespectacled loved ones?” Really? Call me old fashioned, but if you’re trying to think of a present for someone “bespectacled” (try saying that; it’s hard) . . . you know, something that can hold their glasses when they’re not being worn . . . something that can prevent scratches . . . you might want to try something like this:
A signed book makes a great holiday gift. Click here for free, personalized bookplates.
The Best Halloween Costumes You Never Thought Of
Oct 28th
Are you going to be a witch for Halloween? Or a pirate? Or a vampire? That’s wonderful! Have a super time! Now go away. This post isn’t for you.
But if you want something so original that no one ever thought of it before — well, except for my friends whose pictures I’ll post on the Internet without permission — here are some categories to get you thinking.
MYTHOLOGY
One year in college I was Medusa, complete with green face, toga, and rubber snakes in my hair. I felt way superior to all those coeds who dressed as kitty cats and French maids (for chrissake) until I started hitting the parties and discovered that boys prefer leotards to originality. So now I know. Of course, Greek and Roman mythology is filled with attractive characters (if you care about that kind of thing). Zeus has thick white locks and a thunderbolt. Athena has a little white dress and an arrow. They all wear super-cute shoes. How’s this for a couple’s costume: King Neptune and the Ocean.
CRIMINALS
No, you should not dress as Casey Anthony for Halloween! That’s just sick and wrong and . . . sick. And wrong. So stop googling “Casey Anthony Halloween costumes,” people! (Yes, I have Google Analytics. Yes, it tells me these things. I also know your name, your social security number, what you called your first pet and what you like on your pizza.)
If taste is a factor, you’re better off going retro criminal: Bonnie and Clyde, Whitey Bulger, D.B. Cooper. and Jesse James (no, not Sandra’s ex — though he wouldn’t be bad, either — and you can pick up some realistic looking tattoo “sleeves” at any Halloween store).
HISTORICAL FIGURES
What? You never studied the importance of the twirler in American History? Yeah, okay — my husband and I couldn’t come up with a couples costume that year, so “tall hats” was our unifying theme. Aside from Abraham Lincoln, other costume-worthy presidents include George Washington, Teddy Roosevelt, and Richard Nixon.
Don’t limit your ideas to American figures. Che Guevara and Fidel Castro, anyone? The costumes are warm — and you get to smoke cigars, if you like that sort of thing. If you prefer singing to smoking, you can always go the Eva Peron route. And it’ll be really funny ten years from now when your friends are still talking about that time you got really drunk and sang “Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina.” Especially if you’ve got kids around to hear about it.
If you run through democracies and revolutionaries and dictators and still can’t come up with something, you can always go royal. Louis the XIV (you can wear platform shoes). Marie Antoinette (don’t forget to bring cake). And those English monarchs are always up for a good time. Party on, Queen Elizabeth I! And speaking of hats, Queen Elizabeth II is ripe with possibilities.
ARTISTS
Andy Warhol! How clever is that? (Che Guevara got a rockin’ makeover.) You could do all kinds of things with Vincent VanGogh: blue smock; missing ear, palette. And don’t forget the literary luminaries: Zelda and F. Scott Fitzgerald, Ernest Hemingway, Dorothy Parker, Virginia Woolf, Charles Dickens . . . William Shakespeare!
Wow. Once upon a time, writers led such exciting lives. But now we get to blog, so . . . yay for progress.
More Costume Ideas:
Halloween Costumes: Rockers and Pop Stars
Halloween Costumes: Television Shows
Halloween Costumes: Rockers and Pop Stars
Oct 25th
The difference between rock stars and you: THEY dress like this every day, and YOU realize it’s all a bunch of silly make-believe, best saved for late October. Oh, yeah — and most of them sing way better than most of you do.
Anyway! Our next Halloween category is rock stars! And pop stars! And . . . you know what? I really don’t have time to differentiate among music subcategories (though if you want to talk about the distinctions among paranormal, dystopian, and fantasy literature, I’m all over it). Because I’m too busy thinking about . . . Courtney Love.
I’m not the type to talk about “best” and “worst” costumes, but one of the best costumes ever? EVER? Was Courtney Love, circa Halloween 2006. Courtney didn’t just come complete with smeared eye and lip makeup, she stayed in character the entire evening, butting to the front of the bar line (“Courtney wants a DRINK!”), yelling at “Kurt,” and generally pissing people off. I loved her!
Other classic rock couples? Elvis Presley and Priscilla, of course . . .
Is it just me? Or do Elvis and Priscilla bear a remarkable resemblance to Kate and Jon Gosselin?
What other rock or pop stars would make good couple costumes? Let. Me. Think.
Hey! Did I ever mention that my husband and I were Britney Spears and Kevin Federline one year? Here: I’ll post a picture. Cuz I want to help you like visualize and stuff.
Other costume-worthy singers: Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, and Madonna. Go back a ways, and you’ve got ZZ Top, Abba, Bee Gees, Josie & the Pussycats, Michael Jackson . . . and Madonna. (For Halloween, you definitely want to go “early Madonna,” because when else can you wear a pointy black bra in public? Then again, “late Madonna” means you get to speak in a bad British accent and chuck hydrangeas at people.)
Finally, you can’t go wrong with KISS! Well, unless you have sensitive skin.
And finally (finally) . . . let’s not forget the original “every day is Halloween” band: The Village People! But if you show up at a party dressed this way? You’d better be ready to dance in formation.
More Costume Ideas:
The Best Halloween Costumes You Never Thought Of
Halloween Costumes: Television Shows
Halloween Costumes: In the News
Lame Costume Ideas for the Truly Desperate
Halloween Costumes: Movies
Oct 22nd
Hooray for Hollywood! In addition to the Zone diet, lip injections, over-sized sunglasses, and the Arquettes, Hollywood also gave us movies. Where better to search for costumes than in the land of make-believe? And who better to inspire you for the creepiest of holidays than Alfred Hitchcock. Yup, that’s Tippi Hedren from “The Birds” and Norman Bates from “Psycho.”
Want to cross-dress without getting scary? There’s always “Hairspray.” If it’s good enough for Travolta . . .
Of course, if you’re looking to tune in to your inner Travolta, you can always go for his “Saturday Night Fever” look, or you could be Danny from “Grease.” Plus, wasn’t he an angel once? “Michael,” maybe? In fact, you could have an entire John Travolta-themed party, where everyone dressed as one of his characters!!!! But I wouldn’t recommend it because it’s kind of a stupid idea and no one would come.
Next up, scary movies! Okay — more scary movies. I already did Hitchcock. But frankly? I’m busy here and don’t have time for that thing known as “organization.”
“Nightmare on Elm Street”: Freddy Krueger never gets old. (Actually, he does.) Way more original: “A Nightmare Before Christmas.”
Don’t forget about kids movies: “Toy Story,” “The Incredibles,” “The Wizard of Oz,” any classic Disney film. And don’t be afraid to add your own twist. I, for one, would love to see Ariel the little mermaid gone bad.
More Ideas:
Halloween Costumes: In the News
Halloween Costumes: Television Shows
Halloween Costumes: Rockers and Pop Stars
The Best Halloween Costumes You Never Thought Of
Lame Costume Ideas for the Truly Desperate
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